Being true

It’s so easy for me to live up to others’ expectations of me.  Growing up, my mom instilled such a fear in me to make any mistakes of any kind that I grew up a lot faster than most.  I’m the “mature one” or the “really polite one” or “the proper one.”  I’m the one who constantly tries to do everything perfectly, to respond to everyone in the right manner, to present things the right way, to be the great and perfect everything for everyone.  But i’m not perfect…I try to be, but I’m not.  And every time I do something wrong and hurt someone, I feel like the worst person in the world because my mom’s expectations of me keep swirling in my head… they say “You’ve got to be somebody. You’ve got to show your mom that you are not who she thinks you are. You’ve got to show her that you are mature, that you really have a heart, that you are worth it, that you can make it, that you are honestly trying…”  How can these thoughts still chase me when she is so far away?  “You’ve got to be the perfect wife, the perfect daughter, sister, friend…”

I’m realizing how destructive these thoughts are…they are going against everything God tells me I am.  With God, I don’t have to be perfect. He already loves me. It was the hardest thing for me to grasp because I felt like I had to be perfect for my mom to really love me the way I am, but God came in and He told me that I am perfect just the way I am and it took a while to register in my heart.  I guess I’m going through one of those times when I just feel not good enough you know? I’m still new at this whole “wife” thing and I really feel like I’m not passing any of the marriage tests right now. But I know what God’s Word says. I know He’s here and this too shall pass…

God is definitely showing me things that need to go and things I can’t stand about myself. I know it’s His fire and He’s refining me and burning away the dross.  I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

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