Truth and Guns

I feel kind of lost right now and it’s really hard to see past what’s right in front of my face. Just this past weekend I went to Asheville to see my craziness college friends. Istayed up way too late and ate a little too much junk food, but overall I had a great time. While my time there was fun-filled, seeing them remided me of what it would be like to be back in “real” life and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. All I kept thinking was “this used to be my life and now I no longer fit into it.” When I go home I’m not going to be surrounded by great christian people who want to lift me up and soar with God on wings of eagles. It’s just not going to happen. I feel like I clash with the world and the funny thing is that the world doesn’t seem to notice. Every one of my friends recognized me as the same old Alyssa and honestly it was kind of devastating for me. I want to be different, but it just feels like I didn’t make the cut.

Craig told me that even if I messed up and tried to run away from God, that He would still find me and bring me into my destiny. It kind of amazes me that God wants to do that. He obviously put something in me that He absolutly needs to share with the world. I want to be what God wants me to be, but is that enough? The desire that I have feels great, but how far does it truely extend? When I go back home will I fall back into the same old patterns? This is a daunting question that oftentimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have to push it out of my mind.

I know that this is some huge gooby ball of condemnation and I can feel it sticking to me, but I’m having a hard time pulling myself out of this one. How do I separate myself from myself. There is a whole part of me that has bought into the lies so much that it’s like I’m lying to myself. I’m digging my own grave, so to speak. I want out of this mess! I know what’s truth and what’s lies, but they seem to fade in and out. One week all I will see is truth and the next I will focus on the lies. I want to be rid of the lies! I want to be free to be strong without a thought about my weakness and I want to know who I am in God without looking at all my sin. Jesus paid a price so that I could live in freedom and all I can do is feel condemnation because I’m not doing that.

I need another download of truth God…. and some lie-zapping guns….

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