The Boat Moves :)
how can you have so much vision but still feel like there is no direction? i feel like i’m moving forward and being propelled out into my destiny, fast. the only problem is that i don’t feel like i’ve caught up. i don’t feel like i’m at the spiritual level that i need to be at to start embarking on this amazing journey called destiny. am i ready?
God never gives us anything that we can’t handle. i have to trust Him and i know that i am(or i wouldn’t be staying here) , but five million thoughts go through my head each and every day. i feel like i’m banging my head against a brick wall over and over again hoping that i break through each time that i try. i just don’t know why i feel this way. i feel like i’m waiting for something to happen. right now it’s me and Jesus out at sea. if it was bible times i’d be sitting next to peter.
everything seems like it’s a big mess and the waves are crashing all around the boat, but i know that Jesus can clam the waves. it’s so good to actually know God’s character because it changes your perspective on life. God is directing every step that i take and if i’m living outside of His perfect will He will let me know. how can anything be bad? it can’t. because my Jesus loves me.
Surrender
God is so good! this is such an omonious time in my life because i have very little insight into the next step of journey. i have been given so much. i feel like my brain has downloaded with a huge amount of information. my purpose is to love God and loving God means so many things. God has blessed me with a large amount of peace during this time of desicion and transition. He always takes such good care of me. i feel so loved. i am loved by God.
i feel like a web is being created around me. lately God has been showing me how all of my gifts work together. i by no means have all the anwsers but i’m getting small glimpses into a larger plan. everything is so intricate and so personal. we went to the florida healing revival and just came back about a week ago. one of my favorite nights was a thrusday night when todd told everyone that God wanted to annoint His people Himself. i was floored. God wanted to annoint me Himself. todd asked if it was okay. i was like heck yah! it was such as personal night and God’s glory was so real to me. this is what i’m seeking after. a personal God. intimacy with the father is my number one. everything else pales in comparsion. God feels the same way about me. bob jones was at the revival last night and he talked about something that really spoke to me. back in the time of moses. God talked to His people, the isrealites, but they were too afraid and they told moses that they didn’t want to talk to God. they asked moses to be the middle-man. God’s heart was broken because His people didn’t want to talk to Him. He honored there request though. now a time is coming where God is going to speak to His people again. and i can’t wait.
i want to know God so deeply. i want to be His friend, His lover, His daughter. I love Him so much and out of this relationship that i am building with Him He will put everything into place for my life. it’s so wonderful that He loves us so much. what an amazing gift 
Look UP
We went to Rich’s house yesterday night and it was the most peaceful time. His house is up on top of a mountain and the view just blows my mind. I’m so in love with God’s creation! While we were with Rich we got to hear his story and it was such an encouragement to me to hear what he had to say. One of things that really stood out was that he came to a place in his life where God just said, “There is nothing great you can do for me, so stop trying.” It’s so refreshing to know that the weight of the world is not on your shoulders. I get so caught up in everyone else’s problems that I turn into a grey lump of mud. I even get caught up in my own problems. When all you at is the ground you’ll never see the sky.
All you will see is the dirt and the muck and you’ll have no idea that you can just step over it and move on. Craig is always telling me to calm down and I always need to hear it again. Now God is always telling me to calm down instead. I hope that Craig can have a break. My sister Cassie came to visit me this past week and she came right in the middle of the revival in Florida. She was shocked to say the least. God really rocked her world and I was soooo excited. God is amazing! But I found myself worrying in the midst of it all about what would happen when Cassie went home. It made me scared and upset. Again I was taking on the weight of the world and in this case it was Cassie’s world. What God has been telling me is to calm down. Letting go of my family has been one of the hardest things for me to do. I feel like I have to be their everything because no one else will. Trusting God with them is harder than trusting him with myself. But there is nothing great that we can do for God. There is nothing great that I can do for my family and they need something great. God is working on my heart. Praise the Lord for his grace! I love Jesus so much!
Truth and Guns
I feel kind of lost right now and it’s really hard to see past what’s right in front of my face. Just this past weekend I went to Asheville to see my craziness college friends. Istayed up way too late and ate a little too much junk food, but overall I had a great time. While my time there was fun-filled, seeing them remided me of what it would be like to be back in “real” life and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. All I kept thinking was “this used to be my life and now I no longer fit into it.” When I go home I’m not going to be surrounded by great christian people who want to lift me up and soar with God on wings of eagles. It’s just not going to happen. I feel like I clash with the world and the funny thing is that the world doesn’t seem to notice. Every one of my friends recognized me as the same old Alyssa and honestly it was kind of devastating for me. I want to be different, but it just feels like I didn’t make the cut.
Craig told me that even if I messed up and tried to run away from God, that He would still find me and bring me into my destiny. It kind of amazes me that God wants to do that. He obviously put something in me that He absolutly needs to share with the world. I want to be what God wants me to be, but is that enough? The desire that I have feels great, but how far does it truely extend? When I go back home will I fall back into the same old patterns? This is a daunting question that oftentimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have to push it out of my mind.
I know that this is some huge gooby ball of condemnation and I can feel it sticking to me, but I’m having a hard time pulling myself out of this one. How do I separate myself from myself. There is a whole part of me that has bought into the lies so much that it’s like I’m lying to myself. I’m digging my own grave, so to speak. I want out of this mess! I know what’s truth and what’s lies, but they seem to fade in and out. One week all I will see is truth and the next I will focus on the lies. I want to be rid of the lies! I want to be free to be strong without a thought about my weakness and I want to know who I am in God without looking at all my sin. Jesus paid a price so that I could live in freedom and all I can do is feel condemnation because I’m not doing that.
I need another download of truth God…. and some lie-zapping guns….
Filed under Alyssa | Comments (17)I got God’s Heart
I’ve been going through a weird time this past weekend. I’ve been kind of hyper-active and crazy. I’ll go way up and come crashing way down. So what’s going on? I have no idea. It feels almost like a rut, but it is not debilitating me. Normally I would get into a rut and crash and burn, but this is different. God’s love surrounds everything. All the up and downs of my life are covered by the grace of God. I’m covered, I’m really covered. I’ve been finding that I’m in love with God and it’s not just words people. It’s like infatuation. All of a sudden I’ll be sitting in the car and I’ll be like, “I love you, God. I just love you. I love you ….” God’s love goes through me and shoots right back up at him. My favorite song right now is ”Everything Glorious.” It’s like the perfect song. God made me glorious, he really did, and that’s how he sees me. It just makes my heart want to burst.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about something Lucrece told me awhile back. She told me that she saw Jesus come and take my heart out of my body and replace it with his. WOW. God gave me his heart. How does he know that he can trust me with it? I wouldn’t trust myself with it. A heart is such a fragile thing. It’s a treasure and it should be handled gently. I feel so honored to be trusted with the heart of God. What’s really amazing about it is that it was exactly what I needed to begin to trust God.
It’s like having a friend who’s closed off. The only way for you to get them to talk is to talk yourself. Openess is the key to a good relationship. My heart has been battered. I’ve given my heart away so many times only to recieve it back bloody and ripped to shreds. How could I know that God was going to be different? My picture of God was a reflection of my father. Not good, but no one could really tell me otherwise.
But God gave me his heart. God gave me his heart. He said, “Alyssa, I trust you and I want to give you all of me.” Because God trusted me I began to trust him. Now that I can trust God live is a lot less stressful. Can you imagine. I love it. My heart is being loved for the first time by my father, God. It’s exactly what I need. So I can’t help but sing his praise and smile at him and tell him how much I love him. Joy is mine.
